Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

I rolled out of bed today at the crack of 11, and after peeing, grimacing at my hair, and haphazardly throwing on a coat, I trundled outside with the Hogbeaste in tow... Much as I do every day.  Sweatpants, scraggly hair, tired squinty eyes: all the same.

But today, I noticed families out, wearing nice clothes, getting into cars. Across the street, a woman screaming in Spanish at two young people who were presumably her children. And as I watched the Hogbeaste snurfle through the grass in search of eatables, I thought "Where the hell is everyone going today?"

Then I remembered: church. For some reason, people go to church on Easter. Cue another grimace. Because I can't be the only person who finds it ironic and a little fucked up that people celebrate the grisly death of a Middle Eastern man and what was either a) a desecration/grave robbery or b) the rising up of a zombie.... And that the decorations and favors used in the celebration are eggs and rabbits, which were common in the Germanic pagan festivals once dedicated to the goddess Eostre, a spring-time fertility goddess.

Think about it. Eggs, from whence life comes; rabbits, who breed like... well, you get where I'm going. As part of the festival of Eostre, that shit makes sense.

But if you're talking about the death of Jesus, not so much. I propose instead that we celebrate that with sausages: ground up organs stuffed into intestines, because what says death more clearly than that? And with crows: black scavengers who are also said to be able to cross between the spirit world and this one. If you want to celebrate the part where he "rises from the dead", then... how about you eat some yogurt? Yogurt starts as milk... then gets all sour and gross.... and then becomes yogurt. So, it kind of lives, dies, and lives again. Right?

Anyway. I suppose my point is that I don't understand why everyone just goes along with all this like it makes sense. Then again, my blood sugar is probably low, as I did not indulge in my traditional Easter breakfast this year: the whites of 3 hard boiled eggs (I hate the yolks), and approximately two fistfuls of chocolate candy. Dieting sucks. Enjoy your Cadbury eggs while you can, childrenz. Before Zombie Jesus comes to eat your brains. BWAHAHAHA.