OkCupid Rule #1230858: No More Trannies.

(Let me preface this post by saying that this is a personal rule for me, and not intended to apply to anyone else. I do not intend the following to be advice of any kind, nor do I intend to foster transphobia in anyway. Transsexual people face some terrible stigmas in society and we should all do what we can to change that, for them, and for everyone who faces discrimination of any kind. Except Cubs fans. You guys just suck. )


I don't dress slutty and hang out in bars. I rarely ever go to bars. I don't go clubbing... Mostly I hibernate. So for me, Internet dating is pretty much my only hope of ever finding a partner.

My site of choice is OkCupid.com. It's free, user-friendly, and has a pretty diverse user population, including a large number of polyamorous couples, BDSM fetishists, transvestites, and transsexuals.  (Oh, if I only had a dollar for every time a man from OKC has mentioned to me that he has a "feminine" side, well... I'd have at least 6 dollars.)

Anyway, I'm a very open and accepting person in general, so that stuff doesn't bother me, but I do have a few rules (enforced by necessity) for using the site.  I've put these rules in place for my own sanity, safety, and the prevention of future annoyance. Here are a few:

1. No couples or polyamorous singles: I'm selfish, and I want my partner to only love and want to be with me. 
2. No Indian dudes who grew up in India: I've spoken to several such men, and the culture gap becomes an issue very quickly. 
3. No one with a match percentage under 80: The percentage system is not perfect, but time and experience have shown me that if we only match 30%, I'm probably going to loathe you. 
4. No guy, no matter how awesome or perfect he seems otherwise, if he has stated in his profile that he "[doesn't] really read books," or if he has listed The Da Vinci Code as a favorite book, or David Sedaris as a favorite author. (I don't have to qualify this one for you, do I?) 
5. No self-proclaimed "Nice Guys." The statement "I'm a nice guy, but..." indicates that Mr. Nice Guy is not only a dick, but bitter about his constant rejection, likely believes that women "owe him" sex, and is probably in general, a fucking pig. 
6. No adding anyone on Facebook until girlfriend status has been achieved: Obvious reasons here. 
7. No distributing of phone number or other contact info until potential mate has established via email that s/he is not a psycho, a rapist, or a republican, etc.

The list goes on.... But you can see, I don't make this shit up without good reason.  Hence the new rule: No more trannies. 

I went on a date a few weeks ago with a woman who waited until partway through dinner to slip into the conversation that she was transgendered... Thus nearly making me choke on my soup. Not at the news that she was trans, mind you, but at the abruptness with which she informed me. I did not end up pursuing a relationship with her (I wasn't attracted to her, and she seemed a bit vanilla for my tastes anyway), but I had initially intended going for friendship... But that sudden confession just bothered me. That she would wait until mid-date to mention something so important--it just seemed kind of dishonest. 

Now, I get that it's an enormous understatement to say that she has gotten mixed results when informing other people that she is a transwoman. And I get that she might thus want to withhold such information until better knowing someone. However... I think it's kind of an enormous thing to not tell a person whom you intend to date, as opposed to say, a co-worker or classmate. To me, it's almost akin to showing up for a date, only to discover that said date didn't mention he was a paraplegic. So... we ended up parting ways. 

And then there's my latest experience. I've been chatting on and off with this transgirl for awhile now. She stated on her profile that she was trans, so I knew that going in, but it didn't bother me. She seemed very sweet and kind, albeit sometimes annoyingly chipper... But over time I began to feel that something was wrong there. 

Certain things she said put me on my guard. I ended up cancelling a lunch date with her about two weeks ago (introvert crisis), and said I hoped she wouldn't be upset, but maybe we could go out again another time? She responded by saying that she was "disappointed" because people often flake out on her, and she just "doesn't have much to look forward to" in her life. ....Uh huh. And she seemed to become increasingly clingy (in an emotional sense) as time passed. 

I was supposed to meet her for lunch today, and was still going to go through with it, until texting with her yesterday... when she said "It's a good thing we're meeting for lunch, because I wouldn't be able to stop hugging you otherwise." And squirrelishly, I panicked. I saw myself being hugged half to death, imagined her physically clinging to me and touching me all day, and I cringed. The voice in my head shrieked "ABORT! ABORT!" Yep. 

I didn't want to hurt her. I really didn't. I felt awful all day yesterday evening, trying to come up with a kind way (well, the kindest way possible) to inform her that I wasn't coming, and that we should discontinue talking. At last, this morning, a few hours before we were supposed to meet, I managed to come up with it. I just told her that I was sorry, I couldn't do it. That I knew I could not meet her physical or emotional needs (i.e. because introvert), but that she was a very pretty and sweet girl (which she is), and that I was sure she would find someone who would appreciate her. 

Yes, it was dick. But my reasoning was this: I've spent almost 30 years avoiding conflict. And why? So other people don't have to feel as badly as I do. Did I actually owe this girl anything? No. Why should I have to feel like complete shit, just so she doesn't? Eventually, it would all come to the same thing. At least this way, I don't have to feel like shit, and no one gets their heart broken, because it's over before it really starts. 

I did not reckon on her response. Am I adorably naive, or what? 

She fired back a volley of scornful texts: 

Her: If you don't want either then why are you on a dating site? (presumably physical/emotional stuff?) 

Her: You let me get my hopes up and plan something fun to do with you then you tell me you don't want to see me? 

Her: I've waited weeks to see you and I like talking to you and this is what I get? 

Her: Oh hey you're really cute. Yea cute and stupid for thinking you'd even consider seeing me. Thanks a lot.

Her: Thanks for waiting 3 hours before I was going to see you to tell me. And dragging it out for over a month before you tell me you're not interested in me at all. 

I.... Did not engage. Because as shitty as those texts made me feel, they only served as proof that I'd done the right thing for myself. 

And so, after the dishonesty, the emotional volatility, and just the over all weirdness of the two of them as people, I decided that for the sake of my own mental and emotional well-being, I would do my best to avoid dating another transgendered person... Because therapy is expensive, and I'm trying not to give myself MORE reasons to need it.