A Long-Delayed Update.

So, what's taken so fucking long, you ask? Life.

The current score: Life 11; P 3. (I quantified this in feels, if you want to know.)

But, stuff has been going on.
My hands are still fucked up. Not as bad, but it's quite annoying. I can now tell when the weather changes; a shift in barometric pressure causes my hands and wrists to ache for no apparent reason. That's just super, she sarcasmed.*

I -did- go to see the doctor, though. I managed to get in at a clinic that offers healthcare to people with low/no income or insurance, and the whole visit only cost me $20, which is amazing. I wanted to hug the receptionist when she told me that. Medicine for my various crap did cost me a bit more, though. For the cough (which still lingers) and for my hands. So, there IS relief, but I haven't taken any of those pills yet because they purportedly cause drowsiness, which I have quite enough of, thank you.

Let's see... Oh, I had a hideous date with a creepy dude (more on this later), and stopped seeing that other guy (more on this too). Thus, the dating front is pretty grim, but I don't really have time for boys and their bullshit right now.**

I've been trying harder to find a job, and last week actually got a call from a temp agency, who has since taken me on as talent! So, I'm a step closer to gainful employment, and after a frantic couple of hours, I now have a very nice outfit to wear to other interviews, should there BE other interviews ever.

In spite of numerous setbacks (read: pints of Ben and Jerry's), I've done well on the diet front and managed to break the 170 lb mark, which had been a depressing plateau. Now, I'm only about 9 lbs away from having what is considered within the range of a healthy body weight. WOO!

So, there have been some good things... But in and around these good points has been a vast sea of soul-crushing depression. Part of why I didn't update for awhile has to do with the depression. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share my bad experiences here, but... As a friend told me, this blog is called P vs. Life, so any part of my life is fair game. Ergo, I will endeavor to fill you in on that stuff soon.

For now, it's time for walkies, and then bed... But only because I promised the dog that we would go to bed earlier tonight than last night and I feel guilty. >__>



Notes:
* I am aware that sarcasm cannot be used as a verb. There is a story behind this, though, about some people who aren't aware....

**I don't only date boys, but haven't heard much lately from the ladies, and regardless, don't have much time for them either. And if truth be told, I already have my eye on someone for when I -do- have the time.

OkCupid Adventures: How to Completely Repulse Anyone

Normally when I have a particularly unpleasant experience on OkCupid.com, I end up making a rule. (For more about this, see my previous post regarding trannies.)

However, there are no rules that can cover the most recent weirdness.

OkCupid, like other dating sites, tries to match you up with people that you will get along with, the keyword there being *tries*.  Because it does try... But it's only an algorithm, and thus cannot process some of the most basic signs which indicate to you that your so-called potential match could be a transvestite serial killer.

Sometimes, your match's username is a good indication of mental instability. Case in point: while trolling the latest selection of people OkCupid had chosen for me, I came across the user I will call black_cold_hate. As bad of a name as that clearly is, it's not actually the REAL name of this user. To avoid naming him directly, I've replaced each word with one *opposite* the original. Example: Red spoon would become blue fork. Now. Do that with black_cold_hate.

Did you do it?

Yes. That is his actual username, I shit you not.
So, needless to say, after I saw that, I asked myself what the hell he must've been thinking when he chose that. Suddenly, all those guys with "taco" in their username didn't look so bad.

Well, I then click away to another page... Only to see that black_cold_hate has actually sent me a message. Huh. Warily, I read the message. It does not sound psychotic, so I go check out his profile. The profile also does not read as psychotic.  I think about replying, especially since he has asked me to please answer one way or another, whether interested or not.  I haven't decided which answer to give, so I don't answer right then.

Typically, I make it a rule not to answer these emails right away. I like to sit on them for a day or so, and think about it, consider what I'm going to say, and why I'm replying: am I interested? Am I desperate? Or am I just bored? And only then do I reply.

But, black_cold_hate did not even allow me two minutes of time to contemplate his message... Because just as I clicked to another page, he messaged me AGAIN.... To say he'd seen me check out his profile, and wondered what I would say. Because... That doesn't come off as totally creepy and/or desperate at all--oh, no wait, yes it does. I narrowed my eyes at the screen... and resumed my internets business.

Skip to the next day. I return to OkCupid, still pondering how to answer this dude. I hang around on the site long enough to read a message from someone else, see who has recently visited my profile, and leave again. Upon leaving, I pop to my Gmail inbox... And guess what? User black_cold_hate has sent me ANOTHER message. To apologize for the weird IM he sent me, during the 2.4 minutes I was online... An IM which I didn't know about, because I must've just signed off as he sent it.

So. Four messages, in two days. In somewhat stalkery fashion... With a username like black_cold_hate... And we only match 72%. For me to ignore the rest of that, we'd have to match 97%.

I have not messaged him back yet to tell him to fuck off, but... I am going to, simply because he asked me to let him know either way, and I'm not a total bitch. (86%)

Anyway, the lesson to be learned her, chilluns, is that like your thong, it's tacky to let your desperation hang out where everyone can see.

Although, let's be honest, with that username, he's already set himself up for creepy.

OkCupid Rule #1230858: No More Trannies.

(Let me preface this post by saying that this is a personal rule for me, and not intended to apply to anyone else. I do not intend the following to be advice of any kind, nor do I intend to foster transphobia in anyway. Transsexual people face some terrible stigmas in society and we should all do what we can to change that, for them, and for everyone who faces discrimination of any kind. Except Cubs fans. You guys just suck. )


I don't dress slutty and hang out in bars. I rarely ever go to bars. I don't go clubbing... Mostly I hibernate. So for me, Internet dating is pretty much my only hope of ever finding a partner.

My site of choice is OkCupid.com. It's free, user-friendly, and has a pretty diverse user population, including a large number of polyamorous couples, BDSM fetishists, transvestites, and transsexuals.  (Oh, if I only had a dollar for every time a man from OKC has mentioned to me that he has a "feminine" side, well... I'd have at least 6 dollars.)

Anyway, I'm a very open and accepting person in general, so that stuff doesn't bother me, but I do have a few rules (enforced by necessity) for using the site.  I've put these rules in place for my own sanity, safety, and the prevention of future annoyance. Here are a few:

1. No couples or polyamorous singles: I'm selfish, and I want my partner to only love and want to be with me. 
2. No Indian dudes who grew up in India: I've spoken to several such men, and the culture gap becomes an issue very quickly. 
3. No one with a match percentage under 80: The percentage system is not perfect, but time and experience have shown me that if we only match 30%, I'm probably going to loathe you. 
4. No guy, no matter how awesome or perfect he seems otherwise, if he has stated in his profile that he "[doesn't] really read books," or if he has listed The Da Vinci Code as a favorite book, or David Sedaris as a favorite author. (I don't have to qualify this one for you, do I?) 
5. No self-proclaimed "Nice Guys." The statement "I'm a nice guy, but..." indicates that Mr. Nice Guy is not only a dick, but bitter about his constant rejection, likely believes that women "owe him" sex, and is probably in general, a fucking pig. 
6. No adding anyone on Facebook until girlfriend status has been achieved: Obvious reasons here. 
7. No distributing of phone number or other contact info until potential mate has established via email that s/he is not a psycho, a rapist, or a republican, etc.

The list goes on.... But you can see, I don't make this shit up without good reason.  Hence the new rule: No more trannies. 

I went on a date a few weeks ago with a woman who waited until partway through dinner to slip into the conversation that she was transgendered... Thus nearly making me choke on my soup. Not at the news that she was trans, mind you, but at the abruptness with which she informed me. I did not end up pursuing a relationship with her (I wasn't attracted to her, and she seemed a bit vanilla for my tastes anyway), but I had initially intended going for friendship... But that sudden confession just bothered me. That she would wait until mid-date to mention something so important--it just seemed kind of dishonest. 

Now, I get that it's an enormous understatement to say that she has gotten mixed results when informing other people that she is a transwoman. And I get that she might thus want to withhold such information until better knowing someone. However... I think it's kind of an enormous thing to not tell a person whom you intend to date, as opposed to say, a co-worker or classmate. To me, it's almost akin to showing up for a date, only to discover that said date didn't mention he was a paraplegic. So... we ended up parting ways. 

And then there's my latest experience. I've been chatting on and off with this transgirl for awhile now. She stated on her profile that she was trans, so I knew that going in, but it didn't bother me. She seemed very sweet and kind, albeit sometimes annoyingly chipper... But over time I began to feel that something was wrong there. 

Certain things she said put me on my guard. I ended up cancelling a lunch date with her about two weeks ago (introvert crisis), and said I hoped she wouldn't be upset, but maybe we could go out again another time? She responded by saying that she was "disappointed" because people often flake out on her, and she just "doesn't have much to look forward to" in her life. ....Uh huh. And she seemed to become increasingly clingy (in an emotional sense) as time passed. 

I was supposed to meet her for lunch today, and was still going to go through with it, until texting with her yesterday... when she said "It's a good thing we're meeting for lunch, because I wouldn't be able to stop hugging you otherwise." And squirrelishly, I panicked. I saw myself being hugged half to death, imagined her physically clinging to me and touching me all day, and I cringed. The voice in my head shrieked "ABORT! ABORT!" Yep. 

I didn't want to hurt her. I really didn't. I felt awful all day yesterday evening, trying to come up with a kind way (well, the kindest way possible) to inform her that I wasn't coming, and that we should discontinue talking. At last, this morning, a few hours before we were supposed to meet, I managed to come up with it. I just told her that I was sorry, I couldn't do it. That I knew I could not meet her physical or emotional needs (i.e. because introvert), but that she was a very pretty and sweet girl (which she is), and that I was sure she would find someone who would appreciate her. 

Yes, it was dick. But my reasoning was this: I've spent almost 30 years avoiding conflict. And why? So other people don't have to feel as badly as I do. Did I actually owe this girl anything? No. Why should I have to feel like complete shit, just so she doesn't? Eventually, it would all come to the same thing. At least this way, I don't have to feel like shit, and no one gets their heart broken, because it's over before it really starts. 

I did not reckon on her response. Am I adorably naive, or what? 

She fired back a volley of scornful texts: 

Her: If you don't want either then why are you on a dating site? (presumably physical/emotional stuff?) 

Her: You let me get my hopes up and plan something fun to do with you then you tell me you don't want to see me? 

Her: I've waited weeks to see you and I like talking to you and this is what I get? 

Her: Oh hey you're really cute. Yea cute and stupid for thinking you'd even consider seeing me. Thanks a lot.

Her: Thanks for waiting 3 hours before I was going to see you to tell me. And dragging it out for over a month before you tell me you're not interested in me at all. 

I.... Did not engage. Because as shitty as those texts made me feel, they only served as proof that I'd done the right thing for myself. 

And so, after the dishonesty, the emotional volatility, and just the over all weirdness of the two of them as people, I decided that for the sake of my own mental and emotional well-being, I would do my best to avoid dating another transgendered person... Because therapy is expensive, and I'm trying not to give myself MORE reasons to need it.