How to Find an Apartment*

*satisfaction is not guaranteed.

It's that time of year, chilluns: Moving Season! At least, it is here in the Windy City. It's the time of year when migrant scholars (i.e. people who came here for school) who have accomplished what they came here for ultimately decide to move away to warmer, colder, more rural, or more urban settings, as the case may be. My understanding is that most of them move back home to mooch off of their parents, but I digress.

Moving Season! The story of moving season can be adequately described by the first line of A Tale of Two Cities:  "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." to find an apartment, that is. There are lots of apartments up for rent (good), but the nice ones get snatched up quickly (bad). You can get a place in a nicer part of town (good), if you don't mind living in a matchbox (bad.)

Like with dating, finding an apartment requires certain compromises, then more compromises, and finally the loss of all standards as you scrabble to find the last goddamn viable option. However, like dating, there are certain requirements that cannot be compromised: item one, must have pulse; item two, must have preferred set of genitals; item three, must not be in a vegetative state, etc. It's a bit different for apartments, but you get the idea. You start out with your list of What I Want, and end up just trying to find What I Need. Here are my lists.

What I Want: 
-something above 750 sq feet (i.e. large enough to house my collection of books)
-a dishwasher
-central heat
-air-conditioning
-close proximity to public transit
-dog-friendly
-laundry on-site, although in-unit would be preferred.
-parking
-located in a specific neighborhood
-NOT next to a firehouse or the Metra track
-if above second floor, an elevator so that I don't have to carry the fat elderly Hogbeaste up the stairs.

What I Need: 
-dog-friendly
-located in *safe part* of a specific neighborhood
-close proximity to public transit
-not above second floor (Hogbeaste)

You see how the lists differ. To get everything I want, I'd have to make a shitload of money, and also maybe provide all the people in Hell with ice water, but I knew that. Some "wants" always get sacrified, especially after you've begun to peruse the apartment listings, which results in a gradual depletion of morale and desire to continue living. This is primarily because these ads are written in a roughly universal language of euphemisms:

• Cozy or Cute: so small it can only hold one person at a time, if that person assumes the fetal position. 
• Unique: something is seriously fucked up here, but you won't find out until it's too late.
• Vintage: really old, as in there may still be asbestos in the walls.
• Large or Spacious: you can put furniture in this place, but don't go crazy now.
• Rehabbed: freshly painted and has some new appliances, but grossly overpriced for the size and location to make up for the upgrades.
• Studio: You live in the same room as the refrigerator.
• One Bedroom: has an extra closet that will hopefully hold that bed you bought at Ikea
• Two Bedroom: has *two* extra closets that will hopefully each hold a bed.
• Den: Weird extra space that's big enough for a bookshelf but otherwise has no rational explanation for existing.
• Eat-In Kitchen: there's room for a chair. 
• Hardwood Floor: scratch it and you're fucked. Also, no carpet for you, peasant.
• Walkup: you're going up at least three flights of rickety winding stairs, maybe more.
• Street Parking: not on the same street as the apartment. 
• In-unit laundry: Add $200 to your rent. 
• Heat Included: apartment temperature averages 80 degrees even in January, just because. 
• Free Water: there's nothing else to offer, at least if you're in Chicago... Because EVERYONE gets free water, so this is NOT a viable selling point. 
• Pet friendly: smells like wet dog everywhere.

And if you come across a listing for an apartment with NO pictures, that is because it's most likely a shitwreck that's not worth seeing. 

So, having read this post, you should be ready to find an apartment. Not a good apartment, mind you; not an apartment you'll want to live in forever; but an apartment that will serve you for a year, at which point you'll start this whole brain-burning process over again. Oh, and have fun packing all your shit. There's more than you think, and you're going to need at least five more boxes than you have. Best of luck!

Wanted: Job Posting for Even-tempered or Pessimistic Office Assistant.

Right now, I'm at a very unpleasant junction in life. I am not only searching for a new apartment (more on that to come), but I'm trying to find a job. In this economy, that's basically the equivalent of trying to find buried treasure on the same beach as 20,000 other people who are also looking for treasure: not only are you going to be lucky if you find anything remotely resembling treasure (i.e. a living wage), but your odds are dramatically decreased by the vast number of fellow applicants. This means you need to dig as many holes as you can as quickly as you can, or rather, apply to as many jobs as possible, no matter how fucking ridiculous the ads are.

You've seen these ads, right? The job description is always the same: some soul-crushingly boring job with shitty hours (either too few, or full-time but your shift starts at 5:00 am/pm) for barely enough money to pay your rent, your loan payment, and leave you enough to buy a sufficient quantity of ramen to last you until next pay. Even better, to get one of these jobs, you need to be proficient in Microsoft All-The-Things, Mac or PC, speak and read fluent Mandarin, type 300 wpm, and have twelve years' worth of experience, but STILL be willing to take a soul-crushing job with shitty hours for meager wages. Oh, and you have to be "positive," too. 

Positive. Upbeat. Pleasant. Cheerful. Optimistic. 

I've seen all of these at one time or another while job-searching and each one that I see pisses me off yet more than the last one. Why, you ask? Because it's bigotry, that's why. Plain and simple bigotry. Yeah, I went there. 

Only optimists are allowed to have jobs now? No pessimists or laid-back people allowed. This bathroom is for optimists only! Pessimists, you have to use the bathroom down the hall with the glitchy fluorescent light bulbs and single-ply toilet paper. Optimists, welcome to the pissoir of your dreams! Enjoying those heated seats and complimentary ass-wipings?! 

Okay, it's not that bad. Yet. But really, think about it. Is it not possible for a pessimistic person to do just as good if not a better job than an optimist? I think so. Being a pessimist myself, I can verify that I am much more capable than almost all of the optimistic people I have ever worked with. Contrary to what people might think, we CAN keep our gloomy thoughts from interfering with our work. Can an optimist keep his or her happy thoughts from interfering? We don't know, because these people are encouraged to fling their good cheer in the faces of all and sundry, and no one says anything about it. How many pessimists are unemployed because of this disgusting intolerance? How many even-tempered types are getting food-stamps because the optimists have taken all the available jobs? 

The only person I've ever seen who truly understands that there is a place for pessimists in the working world is the legendary Ron Swanson. If I could be his office assistant, I would be the happiest Dragon in the world. Hang up on callers? Sure. Prevent people from making appointments? No problem. Repulse all comers? Done and done. Not only could I utilize my limited clerical skills, but I could also practice my unnerving stare. Too bad the Parks Department of Pawnee isn't hiring. Oh well. Back to Craigslist.