Wanted: Job Posting for Even-tempered or Pessimistic Office Assistant.

Right now, I'm at a very unpleasant junction in life. I am not only searching for a new apartment (more on that to come), but I'm trying to find a job. In this economy, that's basically the equivalent of trying to find buried treasure on the same beach as 20,000 other people who are also looking for treasure: not only are you going to be lucky if you find anything remotely resembling treasure (i.e. a living wage), but your odds are dramatically decreased by the vast number of fellow applicants. This means you need to dig as many holes as you can as quickly as you can, or rather, apply to as many jobs as possible, no matter how fucking ridiculous the ads are.

You've seen these ads, right? The job description is always the same: some soul-crushingly boring job with shitty hours (either too few, or full-time but your shift starts at 5:00 am/pm) for barely enough money to pay your rent, your loan payment, and leave you enough to buy a sufficient quantity of ramen to last you until next pay. Even better, to get one of these jobs, you need to be proficient in Microsoft All-The-Things, Mac or PC, speak and read fluent Mandarin, type 300 wpm, and have twelve years' worth of experience, but STILL be willing to take a soul-crushing job with shitty hours for meager wages. Oh, and you have to be "positive," too. 

Positive. Upbeat. Pleasant. Cheerful. Optimistic. 

I've seen all of these at one time or another while job-searching and each one that I see pisses me off yet more than the last one. Why, you ask? Because it's bigotry, that's why. Plain and simple bigotry. Yeah, I went there. 

Only optimists are allowed to have jobs now? No pessimists or laid-back people allowed. This bathroom is for optimists only! Pessimists, you have to use the bathroom down the hall with the glitchy fluorescent light bulbs and single-ply toilet paper. Optimists, welcome to the pissoir of your dreams! Enjoying those heated seats and complimentary ass-wipings?! 

Okay, it's not that bad. Yet. But really, think about it. Is it not possible for a pessimistic person to do just as good if not a better job than an optimist? I think so. Being a pessimist myself, I can verify that I am much more capable than almost all of the optimistic people I have ever worked with. Contrary to what people might think, we CAN keep our gloomy thoughts from interfering with our work. Can an optimist keep his or her happy thoughts from interfering? We don't know, because these people are encouraged to fling their good cheer in the faces of all and sundry, and no one says anything about it. How many pessimists are unemployed because of this disgusting intolerance? How many even-tempered types are getting food-stamps because the optimists have taken all the available jobs? 

The only person I've ever seen who truly understands that there is a place for pessimists in the working world is the legendary Ron Swanson. If I could be his office assistant, I would be the happiest Dragon in the world. Hang up on callers? Sure. Prevent people from making appointments? No problem. Repulse all comers? Done and done. Not only could I utilize my limited clerical skills, but I could also practice my unnerving stare. Too bad the Parks Department of Pawnee isn't hiring. Oh well. Back to Craigslist.