Fugly Is The New Black

I have a date tonight. (I'll pause here while you rejoice, dear peasants..... Okay.) But alas, I have nothing to wear. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing that is seasonally appropriate while also being somewhat flattering that actually fits me. Well, except for that sweet Ghostbusters t-shirt, but I'm saving that for a special occasion. So, having nothing to wear, and minimal time to acquire something suitable, I went to Target. (I also needed a gallon of milk.) 

The Target closest to my apartment is frequented by a range of consumers, although it seems to think that most of those are hipster types. While I would say that there is a larger percentage of said douchebags at this store than the other Target I like to shop at, I wouldn't say that above 20% are of the trendy persuasion. That said... I walked into the women's clothing section (my first mistake), and began to look around (second mistake).... And discovered to my unutterable horror that the 1980's have returned. And when I say "returned," I mean have literally been chewed up by the fashion machine and regurgitated into the vomitous shitwreck I was unfortunate enough to behold at Target. 

Now, I must ask you, designers, fashionistas, and whoever the fuck decides what is trendy: Really? ....Really? REALLY?! 

This season's fashions are clearly designed to decrease female self-esteem more than ever before. Not only are the colors hideous (coral pink paired with neon yellow and aqua green, smeared together as if by an infant finger-painting), but the cut of the clothes are fucking appalling. Now, I'm not skinny, as you know. I'm working on it, but right now, I'm about a size 12/14, roughly average for the American woman, maybe a little extra. But the clothes I saw today would make even a titless size 0 anorexic look fat and frumpy. I found almost nothing remotely wearable, aside from a couple of basic tees, tanks, and cardigans: all standard classics. Everything else.... Well, here's a little catalogue: 

Ruffled mini-skirts that will barely cover the average-sized vagina; faded denim jeans, jackets, and etc in all colors; acid-wash denim, for fuck's sake; tank-strap shirt/dress things in old lady prints (navy blue with tiny coral flowers, etc) that gather at the waist leaving a fabric bulge around the middle; neon yellow everywhere, of the shade that has a slight tint of boogery green in it; lots of smeary-colored prints, flower prints, and faux-vintage crap; shirts cut straight from shoulder to below the ass (because no one has tits or anything...); shirts cut square to end just above the waist... 

Guh. It was a fucking trainwreck. And maybe I'm just getting old, or I have bad taste, but so be it. I just hope this retro 80's trend passes soon, before I end up strangling someone with a day-glo jean jacket.